


By The Book

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Crack, F/M, Guest Starring Martha Jones, Half-Human On His Mother's Side, Mating Rituals, Oregano - Freeform, Sex But You Don't See It Happen As Such, Time Lords, oldfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 04:25:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13046451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: "We did agree that oregano would do given the circumstances."Gallifreyan Mating Rituals.





	By The Book

"This doesn't feel right," said Romana.

The Doctor looked up from carefully sprinkling oregano on his bedsheets and peered at her in the dim candlelight. "We did agree that oregano would do given the circumstances."

"It's not that, it's just that it feels like taking advantage if I don't have permission from your family."

"They're all dead," the Doctor reminded her, rather upset at her bringing up the whole dead planet thing again.

"Not on your mother's side."

This was true, but the Doctor did not, for some reason, feel too keen on going to visit his mum just to ask her if Romana could shag him. She did live in the 1950s after all, and would probably look at him and mutter about weddings.

"I don't remember where she lives," he lied. "Um... you could ask..." He considered his options. Donna would laugh at him, so she was right out. Martha? She might get upset about the whole thing, but surely she'd be over him by now? Probably she and Jack were... well, he wasn't sure he really wanted to know what they might be doing, but he convinced himself that they were somehow happy together. Yes, it was always best to be optimistic about companions. He realised he'd been silent for some time and Romana was looking at him expectantly (not in that way, because even Time Lords followed cause and effect in certain intimate matters). "Martha," he said, "Martha's like a relative, and she's a woman."

Romana nodded, tied a few more twigs to the bed, and all was well.

 

\---

 

"You what?"

Romana repeated the important points. "We're trying to keep our culture alive by following some of the less tedious rituals. One of which is that the Doctor and I can't be together without your blessing."

"But... you're together right now."

"It was a euphemism," said the Doctor. "She means... you know. That thing Jack's always trying to do with people he's only just met."

Martha stared at them. "Oh. Is that... why me?"

"You're the closest thing I have to family," said the Doctor, and then worried that Martha was about to cry.

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," she told him, no tears escaping her eyes, thank all the gods no one on Gallifrey had believed in anyway.

"So can we?" asked the Doctor, who was getting a bit desperate.

"Err, if you want to. Do I have to watch or something? Only that'd be a bit weird."

"Don't worry," said Romana, "you don't have to be there. I'll write you a letter afterwards to congratulate your House on producing such a fine specimen of manhood." The Doctor grinned at that, and Romana added, "Unless he's a disappointment, in which case there may be diplomatic problems, since you're technically representing Earth in this matter."

"...right," said Martha. Bloody hell, Time Lords were weird. "So, is that all you wanted? Only I'm a bit busy."

"I don't suppose you've got a live chicken handy?" asked the Doctor.

 

\---

 

Since they didn't have any of the right books on the TARDIS, Romana read from an Agatha Christie novel while the Doctor arranged himself seductively on the bed and tried to look both sober and somewhat sexy. It wouldn't do to seem like he wasn't taking this seriously, but equally he wanted to make Romana want to shag him quite soon and thus hopefully avoid a few hours of ritual. He did have a low boredom threshold, after all.

"Time, Death, or Pain?" asked Romana.

"Pardon?" Damn, he hadn't been listening.

Romana sighed. "Who do you want to dedicate the act of our love to? Time, Death, or Pain?"

"Umm, Time," said the Doctor, who had secretly always rather fancied Time. He realised this could lead to several hours of pretended prayer and said "Could we maybe... skip some of this?"

Romana looked shocked. "But we agreed," she said. "If we're going to restart the species I think we should do it properly."

"Can't we just, you know, shag like bunnies and catch up with the pomp and ceremony after we're done?"

Romana put down the book. "This is getting a bit dull."

The Doctor was incredibly pleased about this turn of events.

"Now," said Romana, "lie back and think of Gallifrey."

 

\---

 

"You're at the wrong angle. You need to be a few degrees to the right."

"Sorry, I haven't done it like this in ages."

"And move your hand, you're not allowed to do that without written consent from the President."

"I used to be President, can't I give myself consent?"

"Only if you apply in writing."

 

\---

 

"Do you feel pregnant yet?" asked the Doctor, who quite wanted another go but, well, he wasn't as young as he used to be. And Romana was quite demanding in bed. "Should you maybe lie with your feet up against a wall or something?"

"I don't remember that being an approved post-coital position."

"Look, we don't have to do it by the book every time, do we? I mean, there's a lot to be said for spontaneous expressions of passion."

"What would we tell the children? They might end up tramatised if they were conceived in an abnormal manner."

"Doing it according to old books is a bit abnormal. As is that thing with the lettuce."

"Well, I did have to improvise a bit with that."

"You never used to be so keen on following all the rules."

"I used to have a home planet."

"Point taken."

"Anyway, I thought you wanted to be traditional about it? You did say we should do it the old-fashioned way."

Bugger, had he made his own life more difficult again? "I just meant we shouldn't grow the baby in a vat. That's all. I didn't mean we should shag on a bunch of herbs and wear stupid hats."

"Well, thank fuck for that," said Romana.

And then they didn't do sex, but they did later on. Without the chicken.


End file.
